Nowhere to hide: Why this Kiwi mum went to a naked dinner party

Would you go to a naked dinner party or dance in your underwear in a room full of strangers? Kiwi woman Julia (name has been changed) did — she shares her story.

When
I was married I really thought I was no fun, not very interesting, and that nobody would want to hang out with me. I’m now 51 and live in the leafy suburbs of West Auckland. I’m from Auckland and I probably grew up being more of an introvert. But I know I have the capacity to be very social, so now I would say I’m an ambivert — right in between extrovert and introvert.

I was very responsible when I was married. I went back to university when I was in my mid-to-late 30s, and my life was very structured, very serious and very goal focused, and I didn’t really have the capacity for much fun.

My husband and I separated about four years ago and I recognised that, as I got older and my daughter got older and I had 50-50 custody with my ex, I had a lot of freedom and a lot more time to pursue things I found myself interested in. Things like running, dancing, music, parties of different sorts, getting back into dressing up and making things like I used to when I was younger.

Over the years I’ve confronted myself with increasingly more social environments. I’ve been attending a lot more music gigs and parties where I dance for several hours. I’ve become really fit — I run a lot, so I can dance for a long time now.

I’ve always been a bit of an exhibitionist. I was very into clothing and fashion when I was young and I worked in costume and fashion. The way I put myself out there when I was younger, when I wasn’t very confident talking to people, was the self-expression of clothing. That’s always been relatively easy for me.

‘What else is out there?’

I started to become interested in parties where you can dress up — you might not wear much, or maybe might not wear anything at all. I was curious, I suppose, but it was also kind of an exposure, and confronting myself with things that I felt challenged by and apprehensive about. Being around 50 and recently single, I felt like if not now, then when? I decided I would challenge myself with doing whatever I wanted to do and see how it went.

I went to a sex club with my partner at the time and we got chatting to another couple. They said “this is not really our thing” and it was not my thing aesthetically, either. I asked them, “What else is there out there?” They told me about a series of parties run by The Naked World that they said were really fun. They’re not sex parties, but you might meet people who you meet up with another time. I thought it sounded really interesting. I found The Naked World online and saw photos of their events — the Undie Party, the Naked Dinner — and I thought I would like to go, but I had stopped seeing the guy I was with, and it was not the sort of thing I would go to by myself.

So then I had to find somebody to come with me. That was a challenge because people I know were like ‘no, I would go to a party, but I wouldn’t wear only my underwear’, or they were just not interested, or didn’t like dance music. So it was difficult. But then I saw an old friend at a 50th-birthday party and we talked about the Undie Parties, and we said “Well, if you go, I’ll go.”

He’s an art director and he makes the most phenomenal costumes, and we encouraged and supported each other in our dressing up.

Going in the first time, I felt nervous. I think my heart was probably beating quite fast when I arrived.

‘Like a portal to wonderland’

But after a while I felt very relaxed. A friend of mine described it as a portal to a wonderland. It’s just so fun and so freeing. I guess I felt like I’d met the challenge, and that I would definitely go again, and that I would definitely wear less next time.

We’ve been a few times now. The first time I went I wore stockings, a long-line bra, and I made these shoulder pad epaulettes, and that’s the most covered up I’ve been. But I now think it’s a wasted opportunity to wear too much, and the friends I’ve brought along with me, I’ve encouraged them to wear less, especially the second or third time.

Sometimes we have more coverage, sometimes less. I have worn just a small thong, a chest harness with my nipples exposed and a cape before. Other times I’ll have my breasts covered, just depending on what I feel like wearing. The last time I went, my coverage level was a thong and nipple pasties with a chain. I love fringe. I always wear fringe.

I like to challenge myself. And I would say I and another friend are the oldest women that show a lot of skin.

The first time I went, it was at Everybody’s, a bar in downtown Auckland that has since closed. It was a beautiful, high-ceiling venue often lit with lots of different colours and lush decorations. They had a massive coat-check area and changing area and you’ll often see people just taking their clothes off and getting into their outfit as you go in. I generally wear a big coat because I don’t like getting changed. I like everything to be set when I arrive, and just unveil myself.

Usually, near the entrance they have what they call the photo booth, which is a photography area set up with a backdrop where you can get glamorous photos taken by a professional photographer.

There was one big dance area with a mezzanine and upstairs is quite lush with soft seating and plants and another bar.

Some people use it as a way to hook up — there are after-parties that are quite well known. But I just go to dance with my friends, and to dress up.

The crowd is varied, but on the attractive end of different body types and ages. People require a certain amount of confidence to go. So either it’s the more attractive people who are very confident because they’re attractive, or the people who have a natural confidence, and are attractive because of that.

I prefer it when it’s really crowded. There’s a lot less standing around looking beautiful, a lot more having a good time.

‘Would I go and have a naked dinner?’

I first heard about the Naked Dinner a couple of years ago. I’d been to two or three Undie Parties and I liked what the party organiser was doing. I knew I would probably see the same people at the Naked Dinner and felt like, well, I’ve become more comfortable with this level of undress. Could I? Would I go and have a naked dinner?

I contacted the organiser and said, “I know that people are encouraged to be completely naked, but I feel more comfortable being adorned in some way, can I wear accessories?” And she said, “Yeah, absolutely just wear whatever you feel comfortable with.” So at the event there were people who were completely naked, people in aprons provided by the organisers, and people wearing varying amounts of clothing.

I always spend quite a bit of time working on my outfits before I go to a party, so I figured out what I was going to wear, and I decided I wanted to have a level of coverage, I wanted to wear accessories, and that would make me feel more secure in some way.

I had a diamante necklace, earrings, and this fringe waist belt, basically a rhinestone belt with strings of rhinestones hanging off it, and a big pair of shoes. I thought, “Okay, I’ll feel comfortable in that. But I’m going to arrive in a see-through dress” because that’s something that I couldn’t wear to something else and I would feel less self-conscious arriving.

It was at this beautiful house further out in West Auckland. I went with my current boyfriend, who back then was a more casual partner. We arrived late, as we often do, and people were naked or semi-naked. We saw some friends, another couple, and decided we’d go straight in and get food because the food was finishing and disappearing.

We sat down, and then my partner said, “Oh, well, we’ve come to a naked dinner, and I’m not quite naked. I’m going to make sure that I have a naked dinner and take the rest of my clothes off.” And so I decided to do the same.

My friend’s partner kept some underwear on, but otherwise we were naked and we sat and had a pleasant chat.

You could sit on the massive lawn, put out a blanket outside. It was pretty casual. I thought there might have been a big table but no, there wasn’t even a table to hide behind.

‘I felt proud of being the oldest woman there’

As the night went on I found I felt more at ease. Most people were naked and I felt relatively comfortable. But I was reminded more of my nudity when people would come up and stand very close and get into my space. You feel quite vulnerable because you don’t have anything on. It’s quite a different feeling to when you might talk to somebody who gets a bit closer when you’ve got clothes on.

The guy whose house it was must have been in his 70s, and he had an amazing chamois cloak on, but he was completely naked under that and very tanned, and had absolutely no problems with his level of exposure, which was really lovely to be around.

He was the oldest guy there. Most of the other men were in their 30s and 40s, and the women were in their 20s and 30s.

I felt quite proud of being the oldest woman there, and I felt proud of my body, and proud of being prepared to be naked.

I really enjoyed the dancing naked, probably more than the dinner. As you might expect, that was very freeing, very liberating. I had thoughts of “Oh my God! Everything’s going to move around. I’m not going to be wearing a bra. Am I going to feel really inhibited because of that?” But I didn’t. It was quite dark. It wasn’t too bright. And I felt quite comfortable.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t as warm a night as would have been ideal. So a lot of people started putting clothes back on. If it had been warmer, I think it would have been more conducive to people enjoying dancing. But it was just a little bit uncomfortable.

The event isn’t about sex. There are certainly people that go thinking “Where’s the orgy?” And I’m sure there are private things organised. But it’s a non-sexual event.

It was BYO alcohol, and then everything else is up to people’s discretion. They don’t encourage any kind of intoxication, partly because of the consent rules that apply. Being drunk is not conducive to good consent situations. They have rules around substances, but it’s more of a trust model.

Part of me and my friend’s ritual that we’ve developed for the Undie Parties is we have espresso martinis before we go out. We both work long hours, both get a little bit tired. And so it’s a really good start to the night, and we often invite other people along. At the Naked Dinner, I had a few glasses of bubbles and maybe a few shots, just to feel a little bit more relaxed.

The Naked Dinner is more confronting than the Undie Parties, partly because it’s a much more pleasantly social, low key environment. There’s nowhere to hide, really, so you need to get very comfortable with your body if you want to be naked. Most people are going to be younger and quite attractive. You need to get very comfortable with being in the light, because it was light for several hours after we arrived.

The experience of having a normal, pleasant conversation with somebody else who’s completely naked was a new one for me. But I felt comfortable and people were very kind. They were very complimentary.

‘It’s liberating’

I’ve started to look overseas at what’s available, because there’s not much else available in New Zealand, not unless you want to go to a sexual event, which I don’t necessarily want to go to. I’m going to Europe in a few weeks and will be checking out a pride party in Amsterdam that I think will be a bit similar, but more of a queer party.

If anybody’s interested in coming, I try to bring them into the fold because I think it’s such a great experience, especially for women near my age. It’s liberating. And people surprise themselves. I’ve had friends that have come along to the Undie Party and they’ve worn a body suit and a skirt and a little jacket over the top. But I’ve said “I don’t think you’re going to need those things”. And then the next time they wear less, and the next time even less. It’s amazing. I love it. I’ve brought people into the fold.

How confronting these events are is worthwhile for me, because I feel progressively more comfortable with my middle-aged flesh through going to these parties. My skin is loose, it’s more wrinkly than other people’s. But I feel accepted and it’s generally a very welcoming and inclusive crowd of different genders and sexualities that I enjoy.

I feel very comfortable in a situation that I could feel very, very uncomfortable in. And I think the crowd really does help with that.